Saturday, May 27, 2006
someone used to say
a relationship is just like having a pile of sand in your hands....leave it at the palm of your hands and it stays.... grip it tight and it seeps away....
ive seen it seeped away when i gripped it tight but it has also seeped away when i hold it loosely...how tight is tight and how loose is loose? can someone tel me? i feel so stupid...so betrayed...
(edited)
stories of joell on 12:14 AM
Monday, May 22, 2006
i remember one year ago i ever loved a girl for a ver long time almost counting to one year. During that period of time i went to cannda to study.... i remember the time when i jus got there i wuld call her every single day! sometimes i wuld jus cal her in the morning to say gd morning to her and at night i wuld cal her to chat wif her...during the first few days everything went so well...everytime i called she was so happy and she would tel me that she loves me and that reali made me reali touched. But as time passes things got worst for us..i felt that she started getting annoyed n irritated wif me that ive been calling her so often and slowely this love faded...she nv said she loves me anymore... now when all these has passed i looked bak and thought back what has gone wrong between us.... i felt that during the time i have been too sticky with her calling her so many times a day and maybe i was quite a boring person which sometimes led us to silent conversations but one main thing that i felt was that i didnt trust her at all... there was no trust at all and that made me suspect alot...i always tend to wonder if she is cheating on me and stuff like dat...so i guess this was the mistakes that ive made which caused the relationship to not work out...
this led to the second long distance relationship i had....knowing all the mistakes ive made before, i told myself nv to make the same mistakes again. This time i can say i did not call her as much as i did wif the previous girl as i didnt want her to feel bored of me..i didnt want her to feel irritated and annoyed wif me . Also seeing 2 of my frens that had long distance relationship before, i felt that trust n understanding was one major factor as we arent be able to see wht they are doin there...saying that, i gave her all the freedom she wanted and i trust that she wuld not do anythn to betray me...of cos here and there we have made our mistakes in our own ways but as long as we understood each other and forgive things wuld work out....But all this thinking was proven wrong in one day..25/05/06. She said when i come back mayb we can sort things out and start over again.... but if making somthing happen is as easy as saying it out through your mouth then there is nothing impossible in this world alreadi.... don lie to me..i know it wil nv happen. Its alreadi so ackward now that we talk and moreever we are barely even talkin.. imgine how things wuld be like in july...
sometimes things like this happen and its neither me nor your fault. ive tried all that i can alreadi... for you i have worked so hard jus to come back... ive tried my best to hold on and uve tried your best too.. but i guess if we were nv fated to be together in the first place theres nothn we can do... i guess thats life ba....
stories of joell on 9:29 PM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
i shuld have known...i knew this day wuld have came before it even began as it has happened before...i knew it wouldnt last....im jus so stupid lying to myself. they are all like that.. all the same.. i wil never wana love again...
stories of joell on 9:56 AM
Sunday, May 07, 2006
im getting so fuckin pissed off now... this is so fuckin hell ridiculas! i say liao forget abt the whole fuckin issue why is the fuckin problem brought up again?? and this is to the so FUCKING understanding people whom i cal my frens...i hope u all fuckin know that im doin my FUCKING best to prevent any fight as well!! why cant u ppl put yurself into my shoes? im fucking in canda and im so fuckin unhappy and sad alreadi..i stil have 1 and a half months of work to catch up and do well in and the reason why im mugging like a dog is fuckin casue i wana go back to singapore during july august and also cause i promised my frens so...do u know how hard is it for me to act as if im ok to everyone in cannada when im not jus bcause i have to look like im settled down so that i can go back during the summer? i'm so fuckin stressed missing my family and friends and havin to force myself to complete and do well in my studies jus so i can go back but whyy is ppl in singapore causing SO MUCH FUCKING problem for me?
put yourself in my place..one side is the grp that is so close to me for years and the other side is my girlfriend and my 2 very gd fren cam and terrence who have been there for me as well!when this 2 clash what the fuck do u wan me to do?? i tried preventing the fight again and again and again tryin to cool things down between both sides butt why cant either side jus fuckin give in and jus forget abt the whole damn issue? n jus t let u know ven im fucking in cannda! do u expect me to get news like this jus like when im in singapore?? and the fuckin time difference is so fuckin hugee! do i not have to fuckin slp??i'm doin all these trying to persuades both sides because u are all my frens or else i wouldnt give a flying fuck abt this god dammed issue as im alreadi stressed and sad enuff! i can understand lin and everyone to be pissed when the fuckin anon is scolding us like fuck and we cant figure out who it is! who wouldnt be pissed? and i can understand that ven they all wuld be pissed when they got wrongly accused! but who can fuckin understand what position im fuckin in when boths sides have my fuckin gd frens in it? and the thing is why am i supposed to be blamed when this fuck wasnt caused by me and by then fuckin anon? jus to let u realise that im fuckin tryin to prevent any fights and how come when things don work out for a moment IM FUCKING T BE BLAMED AGAIN?? pls la..im jus a human and i have so much work and stress on my own...i am no God or some tower of refuge when somethig goes wrong and im there to pick up the mess n save everyone! moreever im FUCKIN IN CANADA! once this whole fuckin issue is settled im goin to end it once and for all..one by one all call yoursllf my frens, bros and mei but out of all these ppl how many of u are reali meaning it and are helpin me....
when things work out for a moment ure nice and grateful..but when things dont work out for that moment im to be blamed again...i hope this thing end once and for all... i reali cant be bothered after this if anythn is to happen again....
stories of joell on 3:48 PM
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
today in cannda is my one month anii wiff linn linn! haix..feel bad i didnt manage to make her happy on the aniversary in singapore timee! now she is havinn exams ba..hope she doess well! alllll the bestt!!<3
these past few days has been reali boring..sigh..it has always been like dat since the day ive comee! so much fuckiin work and all..sigh... so stressed and tired..i miss singapore,i miss all my frens and i duno why after my mum has left i feel kind of lonely again..sigh...wish all this wil come to and end soon.. i wana go back so badlyy! its kind of sad when i think of it that in the past i used to wana go back and stay in singapore for this particular grp of frens whom im no longer that close to anymore and now i wana go back for a new grp of frens....frens reali do come and go and reali not all frens reali can stay forever expect for some of them... i reali dont know what im doin these few days...everythn seems so messed up! seems t be doin the things and sayin the things i dont wana say and keep everythn that i wana say to myself cause i cant let it out! feelin sad...what am i doing man...i was nv like this in the past as i was most of the time transparent wif my thoughts and actions. circumstances reali change a person frm being himself man....haix..
ytd i talked to suen..sharing the same old problems and all.... i guess in life we cant always have what we want and the things we want might not reali be the things thats best for us too. sigh, i just cant help by thinkin back why did i ever screwd up the second chance i had before? time reali passes very fast and i reali wish i can turn it all back...so much regrets so much mistakes so many things i wish i didnt do and i cant do anythn but to look back and sigh. ive reali got to learn to look ahead continue or else time wil reali pass me again and i have to regret even more..sigh
stories of joell on 9:49 PM
